dreamland

It's late and I find myself writing here. Seems to be the only chance I really get to update this thing is when I can't sleep. I'm trying to type quietly so as not to wake Dave, who just snored indignantly.

I can't sleep, so I stumbled to the kitchen in search of a snack, being careful not to trip over any errant plastic toys and finding myself unsucessful in all endeavors. I checked in on Ari on the way back to bed. He's curled up like a "c", also snoring, and I pause for a moment to take in his perfection. I always thought it was a cliche when parents talked about watching their children sleep. But almost every night, I flip on the bathroom light by Ari's room so I can gaze at his sleeping form. Lately, he looks like he fell asleep mid-crawl. His legs are curled under him like he's jogging in mid-air, and his arms pump motionless by his side. Maybe he's practicing in his sleep. He used to sleep in the fetal position with his butt sticking up in the air. It was beyond adorable.

Being a parent is terrifying. Every day, I am reminded of how vulnerable this baby is, of how vulnerable we all are. Each time I read an article on the internet about something scary happening to a kid, I shudder and wonder how anyone can bear to have kids. And yet Ari is the most wonderful thing ever to happen to me. How can something so wonderful be so terrifying?